Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I am just a human.

Looking back and reflecting where I started and how I started brings me smile and sadness at the same time.

Happy when I think about obstacles that I have surpassed and the thrill of excitement everytime I celebrate for things I achieved in my life.

Sad when I think about the things I could have done so much better. Sometimes I wonder could it be because I dont have a parents to guide me since young, that I have to learn from knocking the walls and those are painful lesson to go through and it remains in my soul forever. Everytime the thoughts came, I will go through an emo moment again. sob... sob...(tears falling)

My parents will be my Godmom and ofcourse my cousins. I appreciate the life I have with them, and also the things they taught me but I think what sets me straight and make me strong is my books. My books are like my Father and Mother, playing an important role in my life. Thanks to God for bringing me the right books to read. My books are the one that taught me how to be a leader and bring back my self esteem, that teaches me to think right and not follow the old traditional way of thinking. Buddhism philopshy life of teaching is great too, although I am going into christianity I will always be grateful for the things that buddhism has taught me.

Just could not help but to wonder why does it takes so long for me to get all this books, why does it takes so long for me to understand things, cos just cant help to think I could have done so much better. I have no one to blame but myself for my lacking and ignorant in certain things. Somebody is so young but has done so much better than me. What has gone wrong in my life path, that I didnt learn the things he/she does ?

and why am I comparing with him? Is this to make me aware of what my exes is going through, they probably compare too and this is how it feel? Its worst if a woman is more successful isn't it?

I guess this is.. the moment.., another phase I go through to understand better.

Ok I guess I feel better now... so what am I going to do? Nicole..remember "one thing at a time!". Yeah... :)

Also I just remembered one more thing... that is why God blessed me with a young look hahaha. Slow to learn but I still look young... ok la.. hehe. Oh well I always feel so much better when I can look at the bright side of things. What to do, console myself lor, no one can understand what I am thinking and doing right now. I have to self motivate myself and continue to believe. I cannot afford to break down now... I got so much to do so that I can be a blessing to others in my life and also make my family proud.

Yup I feel so much better now :D

1 comment:

  1. Quote:
    "Just could not help but to wonder why does it takes so long for me to get all this books, why does it takes so long for me to understand things, cos just cant help to think I could have done so much better. I have no one to blame but myself for my lacking and ignorant in certain things."

    well, if God were to give you all those "books" at one time... life would be predictable, boring and loses its edge :)

    we wouldn't truly understand till we experience things that helps us grow every single day! much more stronger, wiser, matured and beautiful :)

    we're all still in a learning process and God is not done with us ;)

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